Richard Pryor will make me laugh until I cry.
I just love his humour.
The simple concepts of life, he can make anything funny.
He hits home.
'Cause, after all, that's why I'm here, 'cause of the people.
It's not something that was made up in, uh, some agent's office.
Tell the world, go out and see Richard Pryor.
The man is phenomenal.
He's the best comedian I've ever seen.
He's the best in the north, south, east and west.
I never seen him in person, but I'm gonna see him tonight.
I wanna laugh till it hurts.
He's live, always live, you know.
They pull for me to do well.
You know, I feel it.
I admire his courage.
He's an artist.
He's like being at a party.
And it's... it's like he's really telling the truth.
And I like everything about Richard Pryor.
I don't like him. I love him.
Hey, he's just the most, man.
I think he's the comedian of the '80s.
What can I tell you? He's the most from coast to coast.
Richard is.
Richard Pryor!
Something in me is dying to express itself, you know.
The changes are so immense.
It has to do with the work.
What kind of shit you handing me?
Sign it.
Fuck is it?
I don't know what you're handing me to sign.
What the fuck it say on there?
Champagne list?
I ain't signing for no goddamn champagne.
Here. You take this shit, boy,
and you stuff this up your ass.
I ain't signing it.
You know, I'm an old man. I know about things.
I know I ain't signing shit now!
I'm up here trying to earn some money, boy!
I'm working hard.
All these people come...
You know what you remind me of?
Do you know... You know Junior Shore?
You...you any relation to Junior?
You his nephew, ain't you?
See, I remember when you was little.
You, Sarah Thompson...
Yeah, that was you.
You, Sarah Thompson, Sonny Poole,
was over there in that car in the junkyard.
You boys had her panties down.
Didn't you? I remember you was fucking on each other.
I'm the one that told you, "Don't do it." Remember that?
I made you leave that girl alone
'cause she was young and pretty, too.
And she was sweet.
Breasts smelt like Carnation milk.
What's... what's your name, boy? Joe.
What? Joe.
Joe?
That's all?
You brought your big ass all the way back there
and all is your name is Joe?
God damn it.
"To Joe."
Fucking, I thought your name would be Kunta Kinte or something.
It's a great gift to be able to laugh.
I remember when I was 20, man,
I usually could fuck all day.
Quick. But all day, right?
"Excuse me." Pop! "Thank you."
"Excuse me. Pardon me, miss."
And I'm sober, now that I'm not doing drugs.
That's a damn good accomplishment.
See, I...I stopped drinking.
I haven't had no drugs in five months, man.
That's for real. Nothing, right?
People applauding knew me when I did drugs.
Boy, are we glad.
I'm ahead.
Hey!
Wow!
We want Richard! We want Richard!
Ladies and gentlemen, the two most beautiful words
in the world of comedy, Richard Pryor.
Hello.
Hello!
Good evening.
How you doing?
Welcome.
Glad y'all come this evening?
Yeah!
Why are there people in the aisle?
Listen, these people, shit, done snuck in, fucking with your seats.
What's happening?
How you doing, white person?
This man got eight drinks. He gonna come and...
S-sit your ass down.
Guys, you know, well, see what happened, you go out
and the lights was out, and you went out to get some shit.
Now you don't remember where you were sitting.
'Cause you see the people coming back like this.
Will!
How's our baby?
How you doing?
I'm... I'm happy to be here in New Orleans.
I really am.
This is a beautiful theatre.
What? Well, thank you.
You're looking good!
Th-thank you, baby.
Going to... You gonna outdrunk each other?
Sure, you're right.
I love you, too. I love you back. I'm waiting for...
You know, this is...
Shut the fuck up. Hey.
Sometimes people just want me to talk nasty to them, right?
Then they get it and then they're satisfied. It's like, "Shit.
"That's right. Talk to me like a woman. Shit."
No, but this theatre is something special.
What you man taking, tickets?
What'd he take?
What kind of shit you got in your hand there, sister?
Oh, they just pass out all that shit.
Why are all these people coming this way and there are no seats?
Oh, there's two seats. There.
They're not taken. Please, sit down.
That's right. Get in there, motherfucker.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
See, you sat in the right seat
'cause when the show don't be funny,
I take my dick out and piss.
So,
this is called the garden row.
Yeah.
No problem.
So, I...
Them's cameras and shit, but you know that.
This is the shit we do. This is the movies.
I came last night, man. I had a...
You have to match the shit to the lights, right?
And I came last night, man.
I had on some beautiful shit.
And I sent it to the dude, man,
and they said they gonna dye it for me.
You know, so it would fit with the lights. Let me show you the shit.
This shit is... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Yeah!
This is... this is, what the shit looked like when it came back.
Boy, I was mad at that motherfucker, Jack.
You know, I saw all this shit and I said,
"What the fuck happened to my jacket?"
And they...they...they was very diplomatic,
'cause Jim Brown brought it to me, you know.
So I couldn't jump on that motherfucker, right?
I looked at the jacket and said, "Oh, that's nice, Jim.
"Shit, just the way I like my jackets."
You know, the motherfucker left.
I talked about his ass, too.
Big black motherfucker.
Look what he did to my jacket.
Fucked my shit. Fucked my shit up.
'Cause he was sitting in there in the room with me,
I didn't want to fuck around, right?
'Cause his whole leg was big as me.
So I said, "Hey, Jim, shit, this is hip.
"I can't wait till I put this shit on tonight."
I ain't gonna wear this motherfucker.
Fuck you, jacket.
This is the set and shit. This ain't real, now.
'Cause there might be some tourists and shit be saying,
"Hey, there's Bourbon Street.
"It look like my house."
No, but they fixed this shit up. Ain't it like Hollywood?
Them motherfuckers, boy, they're good, ain't they?
They done create an illusion.
Hey, I like the way that did that. Shit.
Create. Listen, listen.
This motherfucker be fucked up, Jack.
You should have this on the street
when the motherfucker leave home drunk.
You flip this shit out in front of your house.
Right? Right? Motherfucker come back,
"Hey, baby. Shit. Baby?
"Bitch, what's happening?"
But this is always the impression
that people get of New Orleans, right?
This is Bourbon Street, like that's it.
Like there ain't no more to New Orleans.
Shit, if you ain't in the French Quarter, fuck it.
Oh, but they got a whole lot... they got a whole of shit here.
How you doing, sir?
The motherfucker walk like he dared
for somebody to be in his seat.
Look at him.
You knew wasn't nobody gonna be in your seat, right?
This is a strange place though, uh, New Orleans,
'cause you can't tell what no motherfucker is down here.
No, 'cause you motherfuckers look white and be black.
So...
And then the black ones talk that funny kind of shit.
You know, you talk to them, say...
"What do you want? You come back.
"You come back, you like me, yeah?"
And the girls say, "You gonna fuck me for true?"
Shit like that, you know, that's like, "Shit."
See, you go up North, white folks don't know what to do, Jack.
You probably say, "Why, this is a different kind.
"He must be from Brazil somewhere."
But you know what? Down here, man,
motherfuckers have the biggest fun of anybody.
Motherfucker have a parade, start dancing at a drop of a hat.
Right? Just...just go outside in the sunshine.
"Say, have you a buzz on yet?
"I like it, me."
Motherfuckers start dancing and shit be.
Four hundred people be dancing down the street, talking about,
"The sun is shining, hey."
And I understand like you dance at funerals and shit.
Have a good time.
You don't be fucking around.
Motherfucker dead. Let's dance his ass off.
"It's a good day to die, motherfucker, 'cause we having big fun."
That's the way to do it. Ain't supposed to be around crying and shit.
Motherfucker's gone. That's it.
Say, "Shit, we had big fun when he was here.
"Ain't no need to start crying now 'cause he gone."
That's the way life is, isn't it?
Brother over here look mad. What's the matter, they stole your seat?
You had to whoop somebody to get it back?
See, you come too late.
Tough shit. Act a fool. You'll get your seat.
"Where's my motherfucking seat?"
Yeah, you'll get a seat.
Someone will say, "No. No, don't... don't worry. We have a seat right here."
It's just so hot down here now.
You know, it get hot down here.
Hey, people being in the street
you don't be fucking with, either.
They be just walking just like...
"Excuse me, how you doing?"
I don't know how they had no slavery when it be hot down here
'cause slaves would've quit, say, "Hey man, fuck you.
"Shit.
"Carry that shit yourself."
To think all down is all this shit,
slaves built all this shit down in here
or carried the shit that built it.
Right, I looked at the Mississippi, I said,
"Motherfucker had to walk across that."
"Get your black ass on there and walk.
"Carry that tree.
"Don't start no shit."
Y'all some cold motherfuckers, boy.
Your ancestors.
You know, you guys didn't do nothing like on the holidays
or, like, weekends or something.
You motherfuckers just hanged black people.
Right, be bored and shit.
Motherfucker's like, "Saturday night be hot. Can't get no pussy."
He'd say, "What you wanna do?
"Shoot, ain't nothing to do, go down to jail and string one up."
And black people be standing around, watching them.
The guy be saying, "Fuck that. Help me!"
See, y'all...
Does it snow down here sometime?
Now see, y'all spoiled, see.
Y'all don't know about that cold and shit
back like up in Illinois, where I'm from.
See, y'all should get some cold.
I guess it get cold here, it get 50?
Yeah.
Y'all get madder than a mother, say,
"You know it's 50 outside, man?
"Shit. Done fucked up my day. Shit."
Back there, man, in Chicago, in the Midwest,
boy, it gets cold.
I'm talking about cold. Make you change your...
What? This ain't Johnny Carson, motherfucker.
No, I mean, it get cold when you go outside.
The...the wind be waiting on your ass,
around the corner like this...
Waiting for you to come outside.
You know it.
"Here he come."
And that shit, boy... I...I came from California,
I hadn't been home in about five years, I went back home.
And I had some summer shit like this, you know, and it was cold.
That wind waited for me to get into the street.
It didn't even do nothing while I was walking through the airport.
As soon as I got outside, the wind's like, "Get your shit...
"Put that shit up around your head. Stop fucking around."
And you can't be prejudiced in the winter 'cause it's too cold.
Right, you be trying to find a doorway and shit, you be,
"Shit. Hey, man, it's cold.
"Be prejudiced this summer.
"Fuck it. It's all right now."
Bullshit!
Bullshit? My dick.
People in the audience get hostile, "You drunk, motherfucker?"
"Fuck it! Bullshit."
I...I stopped drinking. I haven't had...
I used to drink a lot. Stopped.
I... Been seven months.
That's a strange...
It was really... It's really strange.
Huh? Yeah, smoke it!
I don't believe that shit!
Oh, you don't have to.
I know you ain't gonna believe it 'cause you fucked up.
I...I don't... Hey.
Shit.
No, I just thought I'd try that for a while, you know, after 20 years.
Motherfucker, give yourself a break.
I'll probably die tomorrow.
Try-trying to slow down, you know.
But it's different.
Don't do that! "Don't do that"?
Well...
You fucked up, Rich!
Well, I just been through, like, a life in your life.
I guess you go through changes in your life, you know.
You get one moment and you just fucking change.
Something happened in my life,
just fucking changed my mind about all this shit.
'Cause I used to think I knew everything, man.
I'd be fucked up. I just knew it.
I knew all the shit.
And all of a sudden, I don't know shit.
I'm one of the dumbest motherfuckers ever lived.
If you catch me on the wrong day and ask me my name,
you gonna get trouble.
"Hey, what's your name?"
"Uh, Wait. Uh, Shit. Motherfucker. Don't rush me, motherfucker."
"Just take it easy."
'Cause I feel a lot different.
I feel a lot of different shit, man, you know.
When I was drinking though, it was fun.
I had to stop drinking though,
'cause I got tired of, like, waking up in my car, driving 90.
You know... you know, trying to talk to the police when your mouth don't work.
I don't know what it is that make drunk people want to talk.
But you can bet if somebody drunk, he gonna talk.
You know what I mean?
You ever be driving, the police ease up behind your ass,
put them bright lights on you?
And your brain start going, "Don't worry about it, just be cool.
"Everything... Don't worry, just, just be cool. Now straighten up.
"Just put your arm... Put your arm on the window. That's right.
"Put your arm on the window. Be cool. Lay back. All right.
"Just get it together. You're ready now.
"When he come up, say, 'Everything's fine,' all right?
"Just say, 'Everything's fine.
"Everything's fine.' All right."
Now, that's what you say in your brain,
but your mouth has made up its mind.
Your mouth be saying, "I'm gonna say these words
"the way I fucking want to."
Policeman come up to a man, "How you feeling?"
"I wasn't...
"I was never out there."
"Yeah, right. Wanna get out?"
"Shit, ain't I out?"
I had a partner they used to make walk that white line.
Motherfucker Mashed Potatoes.
Motherfucker just, "Fuck it." Shit.
Split and shit.
I don't know, man. I used to get drunk and try to talk.
Man, you can't never understand a drunk,
and he'll explain anything to you.
Police come up, "What happened here?"
"Hey! I know, I was in there...
"Shit. I was..."
"Shit. Fuck."
"Wait. Hey, wait, wait, wait.
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
"I wasn't...
"Shit.
"You know..."
See them drunk outside.
Motherfucker get drunk, start crying and shit.
"You...
"Shit. Them motherfuckers.
"I just wish this is over and...
"Shit...
"Those motherfuckers...
"This shit..."
Motherfucker, you go home, be fucked up. You ever...
Hey, Rich, how's your mama?
How's my mama?
How was jail?
I beg your pardon.
I'll slap you in the mouth with my dick.
One at a time, please.
I'm gonna finish with this motherfucker asking me about my mama.
How's your mama?
You ever go home drunk and you try to get to your bed
and the house moves?
You know, it just moves.
I don't know where it's going, but it be.
And you can't get it, if you say to yourself,
"Just let me get this foot moving.
"I'll make it to this fucking bed."
And your mind start fucking with you, "Don't be sick."
Uh,
"I'm not gonna be sick.
"God damn it, I'm not going to be sick."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I won't. I won't be sick.
"I don't wanna be.
"Let me lay down on the floor.
"This shit... Just lay on the floor.
"Please, I'll lay down here, I'll be all right.
"Just, just let me take the rug and cover myself.
"Just..."
And...and you start praying and shit, right? You be,
"Oh, God.
"Don't let me be sick, God, please.
"Oh, God."
And you can't find a position that's comfortable.
I don't give a fuck where you lay when you drunk,
it ain't comfortable.
"Here it is. Right. No, that ain't it. I'll just...
"There. That's it.
"Now that's real comfortable.
"Oh, God, no, please.
"Oh, God, I'll never drink again.
"Believe me.
"Just let me make it to the toilet."
And you crawl to the toilet bowl,
"Just let me crawl to the toilet bowl.
"My place of rest."
And we can make some funny-ass sounds when you get sick.
You throw up, I mean, it's unique.
You never hear that shit any other time.
You know like...
I never make that sound ordinarily.
And you ever just...
You ever heave from your nuts like you just get one of them going?
And it look like you become a decorator.
You know, like, one spot ain't good enough.
"No, let's... Over here.
"Get a little on your shoes.
"That's nice."
You wake up in your garage,
under your car.
Dogs be looking at you and shit.
That's when...
That's when you know you fucked up
when your dog won't come to you.
And I don't know, where does that breath come from?
Where does the breath come from?
It's like somebody just shit in your mouth.
And walked in it and shit like that.
You ever wake up and it hit the pillow?
You be sleeping, it hit your pillow, Jack, you be...
And you be sick while your head be hurting and just
you don't wanna move.
"Help.
"Shut up.
"I got a motherfucking hangover."
"Were you drunk last night?"
"Just kill me, bitch, but don't talk to me."
"You need to eat some eggs."
"Oh, God, no, please."
I don't know why...
I don't know why my wife's put up with my ass so long, with me.
'Cause I would just act ignorant.
I wasn't... I wasn't even close to being normal. I was ignorant.
I couldn't stop drinking till the bartender say,
"We got no more fucking liquor!
"Take your ass home, pal."
I've been married about four, five...
Four times.
Married to the white and the black.
I'm telling you, this is a bitch, there is no difference,
except subtle shit you can pull on the white women
that you can't pull on black women.
You know, like in an argument or something,
you can pull that shit, like, "Hey, baby, it's a black thing!
"I'm a black man. You don't understand
"or get the motivation of the black man, you understand?"
"Oh, yes, dear. I'm so sorry.
"I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
"Please forgive me."
Black women, you cannot do that
but once.
And they get that motherfucker, the head, they're going...
You know what I mean?
"Oh, no, motherfucker!
"Don't you look at me. That's gonna be your ass,
"'cause you shouldn't have had the bitch in there the first time.
"Yeah, you bad. Now be bad now."
And then you end up, "Hey, darling. No, dear. I... Just kidding.
"Go over here. I won't do any bad."
I don't mind the divorce and shit.
It's just they want the money when you get divorced.
And I'll be going, "Wait, bitch. You ain't told near a joke."
They say, "Well, maybe you'll think this is funny."
Hand you some papers from the lawyer and shit right here.
"Holy shit, that is funny."
And you feel bad when your lawyer turn on your ass, right?
He be saying, "I think you should settle.
"No, just take my advice. Settle.
"She's gonna say a lot of things that you don't want known."
I say, "Wait, she gonna tell about me and that goat?"
When I was a married man, I tried to be...
What, whatever it is, I tried to do it, whatever the fuck it is.
I can't do it.
You just have to be a special kind of man to handle that shit.
I can't handle it. I mean, I go home, man,
sometime my wife would start shit that I didn't understand.
You know, like, "I don't want those people in this house again."
You say, "What? What?"
"I don't want them here."
Well, you're married, you know.
You say, "Fuck it, I'm in love. Fuck.
"Maybe I'll try it. Maybe I've been wrong three other times. Shit.
"I'm gonna try to make this shit work."
"Hey, you don't want them in the house, baby?
"Their ass ain't gonna be in the house.
"Hey. What? No, I'll handle it. Don't worry.
"Hey, you motherfuckers, get out.
"No, partner. Hey, Jack, you gotta go.
"Don't come back no more, motherfucker,
"'cause you got something. My wife's seen it.
"I don't wanna get it."
"You gonna be all right, Rich?"
"This is it, Jack. This is it. I'm in love now."
"Just don't come around no more.
Meet you around the corner."
Then they start talking about come home earlier.
"Wait. Come home? What the fuck you talking about?"
"You're out too late, you do drugs all night and you're just out."
"But I be having fun.
"I mean, what time is a good time?"
"10:00."
10:00. Hey, man, I'm wrong. Could be.
10:00? Shit.
You'd be in a restaurant, eating.
Drinking fast.
"What's the matter, Rich?" "I gotta be home by 10:00, Jack."
Come home, be a house full of women I don't know.
Be sitting around, talking shit.
Eating my food.
Ask me to serve them something to drink.
Say, "Bitch, who are you?"
"I'm an old friend of your wife's."
"Yeah? Are you a nurse?
"'Cause that's what she gonna need if you keep fucking with me."
Sometime, though, sometime you could be
in love with somebody and it's great,
then you fuck around and marry them.
And I don't know, something happen when you get...
Women get married, man, that you've been going with a long time,
there's something about them. Their attitude be...
"Good morning, dear."
"Good morning.
"How are you today?
"Have you been to the bank, yet?"
I've had some fun.
I meet some strange women, though, being in show business.
I mean I'm glad of that, but strange.
You know, I met one lady, came to my hotel room.
She was a weight lifter, man. She was beautiful, man.
And she went to the... Come to the hotel room.
Beautiful body. She talk all that cosmic shit.
And you know, when you want some pissy...
Pissy?
"When you want some pissy."
That's the new thing.
I hope to get some soon, some pissy.
But you do, if you want some pussy,
you'll talk all that shit with them, right?
You know, "Hey, yeah, sure, the cosmos, yeah.
"Study it often, you know."
And we got ready to make love, man. She was naked and stuff.
I said, "Boy, I'm gonna tear this pussy up."
And she got in. I got ready to get on top of her.
She said, "Oh, we're not going to fuck."
And I always be thinking about my career or something.
You know, I don't want to be fucking around, end up in the paper,
"Man Tries to Take Pussy."
You know, 'cause that's low-down. I don't wanna be like that.
I don't want nobody to say that, "Ha-ha, made you move.
"Stole the seat, had to move.
"April fool."
Right? You know.
Well, I don't wonder why women don't say that thing
before your dick get hard or something.
You know, when they get to the hotel, "We're not fucking."
"Thank you." Then I tell my dick, "We're not gonna fuck.
"So be cool, right?
"This is just some bullshit conversation till some pussy come along.
"So shut up."
But they wait till your dick hard enough to cut diamonds.
Then, then they be talking about, "We're not going to fuck."
"Listen, but what am I to do with this?
"I will beat your brains out with this!
"What do you mean?"
I was reading something in the... in the paper...
Uh, what, uh, L-Libya?
Are we fighting Libya yet or something?
I don't know. I was hearing it on the news,
something about Libya, Qaddafi.
Chad. Chad.
You know, motherfucker going somewhere to die,
don't even know the name of it.
* We're going to Chad *
They start shooting, you say,
* Get the fuck out of here *
That's funny. America...
America used to be a different kind of country,
like, we didn't fuck with people smaller than us and shit.
You know, but now, I mean, little Libya and shit.
Look like America go, "Shut the fuck up.
"Just sit your ass down somewhere.
"Don't you be fucking around. Just shut up, motherfucker."
But Americans act like they take that shit serious,
like little Libya gonna kick our ass.
"Shut the fuck up, God damn it."
I remember when America...
When I was little, America used to be that kind of country, right?
We didn't fuck with nobody.
Now we be fucking with people in El Salvador and shit.
How we gonna lose? 35 people in El Salvador.
Like we be sending advisors and shit.
"That's how it goes, pal.
"Take my advice and do it that way."
I don't know. People...
'Cause this is the greatest country in the world, right?
Man, we ain't supposed to be fucking with nobody.
Have any of you ever been to Africa, back to the motherland?
That's something. One person held...held their hand up,
way in the back.
Two. You came from there, motherfucker.
You ain't bullshitting.
No, it's something.
I had big fun. I went to Zimbabwe.
And, um, it's a new country, right?
It's about three years old now, 'cause it used to be Rhodesia
before they killed all them white motherfuckers there.
It's the only country I ever been to,
black people kicked ass over there.
Seven years they killed motherfuckers, Jack.
They happy, too.
You walk down the street, they just smiling.
"Hello.
"Oh, they don't fuck with us no more, no."
I was over there with some American brothers, man.
I met an American brother. He came over there on vacation
and he called home and said, "Bitch, sell all the shit.
"I ain't never coming back to that mother.
"Sell my motorcycle and my shirt.
"Bring your ass on."
We had a good time.
We're sitting around talking, about four Americans.
We're talking about five hours, man.
Talked about some good shit, right?
And an African man asked us...
We was talking, he said, "What language do you speak at home?"
You know, we looked at each other, you know.
"What? English."
"Everybody speak English
"but what language you speak when you're home?"
One of the brothers looked at him, say, "Uh, Jive?"
'Cause I guess that's right. Right? You know.
I don't know where in the fuck I came from over there.
No, it's just a nice feeling.
I know how white people feel in America now.
Relaxed.
That's right, 'cause you hear, uh, uh, like a police car coming,
you know it ain't coming after your ass.
Right? You just...
"I wish they'd keep that goddamn noise down."
'Cause I hear it, man, I wake up automatically,
start thinking about shit I did.
"What the motherfucking now? Oh, shit, let me see."
Till they go by, I say, "Shit, oh, it ain't me."
In Africa, though, I had that feeling, man. I just was comfortable.
I knew the police wasn't going to be fucking with me
unless the government changed overnight.
That's a good feeling though, man. You know, you can go out.
We went out into the bush and stayed.
That's like the country, you know. You go out there.
That's where you see the animals and shit
'cause the city's just like anyplace else.
But you go out in the country...
You see some lions and shit.
I'm talking about real lions.
Not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo.
You know how you go fuck with the lion. "Hey, lion, motherfucker."
Be throwing shit at it. Lion be...
You don't throw shit at them real lions, boy.
If they don't eat it, they kick your ass.
And somebody always wanna go up and fuck with the lions.
Tourists always want, "Oh, George, stop here.
"Look at those lions. I've got to go stand next to them."
You know, lions snap all the ass off them.
George be grinning and shit...
"Wanna try that again, dear? I didn't get that one."
We saw... I saw a lion kill a water buffalo.
Two women lion killed him dead,
and the male lion come to eat, chasing them away, right?
He come to eat, and we went to take a picture, right?
And he didn't like it.
And he bent down and picked the water buffalo up by its nuts.
He picked it up by its nuts, threw it over its head.
Turned his ass to us. You know, it was just like,
"Take a picture of that."
Every place I go though, man, everybody I meet, they wanna come here.
Right? They wanna come to America.
I mean, all the three countries I've been to.
I don't wanna sound like I've been everywhere, you know. In three...
Now you start talking to them,
and they start talking about America.
And it makes your dick hard for America.
They do. They finish talking, you be saying,
"Shit. I gotta get my ass back there.
"We got all that shit in America?"
The guy say, "You can eat 24 hours a day in America."
I say, "Yeah, that motherfucker right.
"You got some money or a pistol,
"you can get something to eat."
But in Africa, man, after 9:00 if you haven't eaten,
that's your ass still in the morning.
You just be hungry, even with a pistol.
There ain't nothing to hold up.
Right, you be going, "Stick 'em up."
Say, "What you gonna stick up? We got nothing to steal.
"Why don't you go out in the bush, fuck with them lions?"
And in the country, it's nice, man,
like if you go somewhere, like,
you know, you go on tourist...
Like tourist hotel and you be in the hotel, bunch of tourists and shit.
And like early in the morning,
you hear some of the warriors,
like, coming back from hunting or something.
You hear them out there singing in the night.
*
That shit'll wake you up too, Jack. I mean, you'll be asleep...
*
You go outside to see that shit,
see about 100 dudes coming back.
*
It'd be beautiful, man.
And white people start asking you questions then.
"What are they saying? What are they talking about?
"What's going on? Rich, you got any idea? What are they doing?
"There's 100 of them. What are they planning, anything?"
I like to go...
Pretend like I know what's happening, right?
"Keep it down. Keep it down.
"I think you better get back in your room, sir.
"This could be it."
I don't know. It's just...
It's so different, though.
Things are different.
Like here, man, I...I don't understand sometime
what goes on with people here.
'Cause, like, here we are here in this theatre,
we getting along real good until we go outside,
then the shit change.
So we just must be some crazy motherfuckers or something.
'Cause we can get along real great for a moment and then we can't.
So that's insanity.
You know, 'cause we must be good all the time
if we can get good for a little while.
But don't take my word for it, ask the President.
I met the President. We in trouble.
I went to the White House.
They had this big receiving line and shit.
You know, you go by.
I went for this movie, Superman, you know.
I'm standing in line and shit and saying,
"I know the motherfucker didn't invite me.
"You know, I'm just here for this movie."
I walk by in the line and shit, gonna meet him,
say, "Don't be prejudiced, open your mind, see what kind of dude he is."
And I walk up, motherfucker looked at me like I owed him money.
You know, I say, "Hi, Mr President."
"Hi."
"Well, I guess that's it, huh?
"Well, I'll just walk on out here, sir,
"and I guess this is where everybody else will be, huh?
"Well, nice meeting you. I'll just be right... I'll be out here.
"If you're interested, I'll be right outside here."
Then you get mad, don't you? Why is that,
"I didn't ask to come to this, motherfucker.
"I know you ain't getting no pussy."
Right? 'Cause he looked like a dick.
You ever notice? He does.
Like, not even a hard on.
But just a dick with clothes on, you know.
That's why he want them MXs and shit, so he can get off.
You know, he's like, "Shoot one of them big babies off."
No.
Right. 'Cause they be talking about dropping bombs and shit, man.
I'm talking about nuclear bombs.
I'm talking about fucking up our Sundays.
I mean, motherfucker say... Hey, man, if they had a nuclear war,
right, they wouldn't have to drop no bombs.
All they have to do is tell us they going to,
then announce to us, "Find the fallout shelters."
'Cause there ain't a motherfucker here know where one at.
"Let's get to the shelter."
"Right."
"Oh, shit. Uh,
"wait a minute. I knew where it was in high school.
"Wait a minute, I..."
'Cause they say we have a half an hour warning.
That ain't enough time.
I want at least nine, 10 months.
Can you imagine what the highways would be like?
Motherfucker say, "We got a half-hour, Jack."
Beep, beep! You ain't gonna get nowhere.
I know what I'm gonna do
'cause there's a lady I've been wanting to fuck for eight years.
I'm gonna run over to her house, you know what I'm saying.
"Hey, look, baby, we got about 15 minutes."
Hope I get a nut just as the bomb go off.
Thank you.
'Cause they got people building fallout shelters
in their homes and shit.
And that's all right if you home when they drop the bomb.
But if you out like this,
and motherfucker say, "The bomb is dropping," we fucked.
Motherfucker say, "What? Not now, motherfucker."
'Cause all of us can't get in the ladies' room.
'Cause if they drop the bomb, that's some fire and shit. I'm gonna get out.
I don't know about you all. I'm getting out if there's some fire.
I know all the exits and shit. I ain't even worried.
Even if people clogged the doorway,
I'll eat through somebody's ass to get out.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be outside laughing with the firemen and shit.
"What's happening in there?"
"Hey, damn, boy. It's a terrible thing.
"20 people in there with their asses eaten out.
"You know anything about it, fellow?"
"Nope."
What were Japanese people thinking in 1941?
Huh?
What was they...
What was on their mind to be bombing Pearl Harbour and shit?
They sat around and said,
"We bomb Pearl Harbour.
"They never fuck with us again."
Right? One of them say,
"We going to California, and then we bomb..."
"No need. Pearl Harbour is enough."
'Cause they been to the University of California and shit
and saw white people laid back.
They hadn't been to the University of Alabama or Mississippi.
Right? I mean, I'm not lying, man.
They got white folks down there
they keep on a leash in the basement.
"Hold it, hold it. Not yet, not yet.
"Just a minute.
"Maybe Central America will let you go,
"but not yet. Hold it. Sit, sit."
Shit, man.
You know,
when I first...
When I first came up here,
I use to live down this way and shit.
Don't tell me shit.
Came up here.
That's right.
I went to Illinois...
Mudbone!
That's right. That's my name.
That's my game.
I went on...
Shit, where's the mike? Here.
Well, they move that shit everywhere.
You can't reach it and shit.
Had to go behind my back.
Shit, I'm... I'm a little old.
I ain't spry as I used to be.
I can still kick a little ass now and then.
I left here,
me, my partner,
Ray...
Sweet Chocolate Brown.
Do you know Sweet Chocolate?
Yeah!
That was a pretty man.
One of them brown skin boys, had that smooth skin.
He sweat, it looked like a Hershey bar.
That's right.
Girls come up, lick him on the hand.
And he smile, he had one of them teeth,
gold teeth with a diamond in it.
And they're smiling and he put that smile on you,
that was your ass, see.
Lord, he had so many womans. He tried to give me some
but I didn't fuck with them womans, you know.
I don't mess with them. I had about four womens in my life.
That's right, 'cause they drain you.
They do. They fuck all the time.
That's right. If you fuck one of them good, you in trouble.
'Cause she gonna tell her friend.
She gonna want some.
That's right. And you fuck her, she gonna tell somebody.
And the next thing you know, you got to fuck eight or nine times.
Then they leave you sapped.
You'll just be laying there all dried up.
They don't give a shit about that.
Give you a pot of soup, go on about their business.
So, me, Chocolate, Bob T,
we all left from down there,
went to California.
We had a good time out there, too.
We was out there for a long time.
Do you know what? When I first got out to California...
Where you boys going?
No, no, no, thank you. I'm fine.
I'm... I'm all right. I don't know what you gonna put in it.
Be out there, liable to put your dick in it or something.
Go on, that's right. Go ahead. Have fun.
I remember when womens used to go to the bathroom together.
When we first... When I got out...
That's something, you know that?
The live world done changed, ain't it?
Mens is womens, womens is mens.
Shit, I talked to a woman the other day.
I went in a little truck stop restaurant
and asked, "Got some coffee and shit?"
And she talked to me.
Shit, she sound like an opera star. Big voice, you know.
"What you want?"
Shit. You know, hair all on her legs and arms.
Scared the shit out of me, you know.
Say, "I don't want none of you.
"You want them doughnuts. Let me get my ass on."
Other day, man, listen. A little boy come down through here,
had one of them little hats on all cocked, all sideways.
He had his shoe untied, them tennis shoes on, you know.
I say, "Boy, tie your shoe." Little boy told me to go fuck myself.
Just about this tall. "Go fuck yourself."
Say, "I hope you fall on your ugly-ass face."
I seen boys now that cuss their mamas and stuff in public.
That's right. The woman stand around, look all silly.
You know, I told her, I say, "Bitch, that's your fault.
"That's right. You the one let him do that shit.
"Got to put his ass out two or three weeks.
"I bet he come home, he talk right then."
Them miss-meal cramps, that mother'll get real polite.
"Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir." That's what he'll say when he come back.
Shit.
Hard times.
We had hard times out there in California
'cause there wasn't but three or four black families
when I went out there.
That's right. There wasn't.
Uh, about four, 20 white people.
That's right, and nine or 10 f them Japanese,
and whatever they was, mixed-up people.
They was out there. Nice peoples, too.
You know, they was out there minding their business.
Twelve thousand Mexicans.
I'm not lying.
Mexican people used to own all this shit west of Chicago.
There wasn't nothing but Mexican people.
That's all there was. That was all theirs.
Fucked around, negotiated with white folks, lost all that shit.
Hundred and twenty something of them kicked a thousand Mexican ass.
Now, that's what kind of army they had.
Hundred and twenty motherfuckers kicked 2,000 people in the ass.
Now, that's something.
Mexicans didn't wanna fight about nothing.
No, they was good people. Shit.
They just trusted too much.
That's how they get fucked up, you see.
When you own the property, they should've just kept their mouth shut
and say, "No, this is mine, I don't wanna deal nothing.
"Fuck you. Keep your shit."
Well, I had a Mexican friend, named Jesus.
Yeah, he was a good friend of mine.
We used to hablo espanol.
That's right. He went to jail with me.
We went. We did time together out there in Los Angeles County.
That right. It was a hell of a time, boy.
I mean, you ever heard of lice?
We was in jail. Them little bugs like that, you know what I mean?
They get on you in your sleep and they eat you up alive.
They make you just scratch your damn...
I'll tell you something, you ever had them crabs?
You ever heard of them?
Just a little teeny bug. They like pubics.
They get in your pubics,
and it's hot like this, they drive you crazy.
They'll make you scratch in public.
I'm not lying.
You be walking down the street like this
and that heat and them crabs start moving back and forth like that,
they'll make you get down in there and...
I damn near pulled my nuts off one time, man.
They were down in there so...
But you have to put that blue ointment and shit on them.
That's right. I don't know what it does to them
but they don't move for a while.
You put that on there and then they cool down.
Make them drunk or something, I don't know.
I remember one time, we was out of ointment
and Jesus gave me some of his cologne.
I don't know, mister, if you ever done this or not
but don't ever put no cologne on your nuts.
'Cause I didn't know.
I took two big handfuls of this cologne
and I hit it on my nuts all under here like this.
Well, it was cool at first.
It felt real soothing.
Pretty soon, it come next the burning and shit.
And I was fanning, them crabs was moving every which way.
And I say, "Oh, Lordy, Lordy, please."
I say, "Chocolate, help me. My nuts are on fire."
I say, "Blow on it, Chocolate, blow on it.
"They're gonna burn up if you don't."
Chocolate say, "They be burnt to hell if I got to blow them."
Then Jesus come around.
He was smoking a cigarette.
And he got real close and I guess them fumes...
Something happened 'cause a big fire went "poof" like that.
And jumped up, and I was back like this.
I'm trying to put that shit out.
Them crabs went crazy then.
They just jumped every which way.
I ran and sat on the toilet.
And damn Jesus, he flushed the toilet.
My balls was hanging down there in the toilet.
And that water was pulling them, too, real hard.
And I say, "Goddamn, Jesus, help me out of here."
Just as I got my nuts out, a goddamn earthquake.
I'm standing there, "Help." Burnt up nuts is hurting.
The damndest time I ever had, man.
Yeah, I ain't going back there no more.
I left there. I had fun but I left there.
Had a nice lady friend. She was good to me.
We never did no sex or nothing, 'cause she had a rectomy.
You know, that's where they scrape the pussy out
and just leave the box that it came in.
Me and her got along real good, you know.
That's Mudbone.
I love you, Richard!
You love me? Shit, I love you, too.
It's easy to love somebody.
That's all you got to do.
Sit with them a little while, talk to them.
Most people you talk to, they's intelligent.
Most people, as I said.
Thank you, Mudbone.
Drink some of this water, I hope.
They say your water is bad.
Good.
Just checking.
I thought they was joking. I ain't gonna take no chances,
'cause I don't wanna have the shits in the middle of the night, Jack.
Ain't nothing worse when you got to shit and can't sleep, too.
That's miserable than a mother... You lay down, get a good...
"Oh, hold it!"
'Cause you can't fuck or nothing
when you gotta go to the bathroom, right?
"Say, baby... Oh, hold it!
"Oh. Just a minute. Hold the pussy right there.
"Just a minute, I'll be right back. Hold it."
I haven't done any drugs now, it's been seven months.
All right!
And that's a lot, that's a lot for me,
you know, 'cause I done...
I think I done drugs since I was, like, 14.
You know what I mean?
Off and on, it was chip in.
But when I was about 19, I started doing it real heavy, right?
And this is the first time, I think, in my life, I feel like this,
being sober and then being off drugs, too.
It's a real strange feeling.
And I get scared when I'm out here sometime.
I get real nervous about it.
I wanna fucking run, you know?
I look out there, "Shit. It's scary."
And I say, "Fuck it. Go through it.
"Just feel the experience.
"Go through it and just fuck it."
'Cause I have some drugs and shit now, I wouldn't give a fuck.
But then I wouldn't... I'd come off stage, I still wouldn't give a fuck.
Then, by the time you're 50, a lot of no giving a fuck,
you miss part of your life.
"Say, what happened to your life?" "I didn't give a fuck."
But I had some fun.
It's just so strange, like, the people you meet
that remember shit you did when you used to get fucked up,
and you don't want to remember.
But they know the shit real well.
"Richard! Don't you remember me?
"We was fucked up together, Jack.
"We was walking down the street, right,
"and you stuck your arm up that elephant's ass.
"Don't you remember that?
"Elephant tightened his ass up around your arm,
"went walking down the street with you.
"You was swinging back and forth like that.
"You looked like a turd with a hat on.
"Don't you remember that?"
And you meet women you liked, that you'd been with,
and you meet them, you see them, you go, "What?
"I was not with this motherfucker."
"Hi, you remember me?
"You said I was so beautiful.
"We made love for 14 hours."
And you be saying to yourself, "Oh, shit."
"I'm going to have a baby."
"Not if I can help it, motherfucker."
I'd be, "Right to the abortionist, please.
"Doc, uh, there's me and there's this lady and both of us is ugly.
"Please don't let us have a child.
"Please, don't."
What is that, sir?
Oh, don't snatch it. Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it.
I know he's white. Give him a break.
What is that? What is that called, sir?
Oh, shit. Oh, it's a crab.
Uh, what is it called? A crab?
And it's a drink?
Oh, well, thanks a lot.
Next time that motherfucker come up here,
beat the shit out of his ass.
Well, this crab, man, he ain't gonna do nothing but die.
You know, well, shit.
Attaboy, Rich!
Let's... let's listen to the crab.
"Why are you fucking with me?"
What?
"I wanna know why you're fucking with me.
"I was in the ocean, I was just crawling along,
"and some asshole grabbed me.
"I'm trying to find my way back to the ocean. Can you..."
Uh, no, sir. See, you're here on stage.
"Oh, shit, on stage? Let me get back in the shell."
Come on out.
"Yeah, okay.
*
"You know I got kind of drunk in that glass.
"Just a minute. Where in the fuck am I?
"Oh, boy. I thought this was another woman.
"It's just a brown chair.
"Holy shit! Hey, the world is round.
"Whoopsydaisy. Holy shit!
"Good thing you caught me, pal.
"You ever had crab piss on you?"
I'm gonna put you back in the jar.
"That's a good idea, you asshole.
"And put some water on me too, schmuck."
All right, I'm gonna get him some. Can we put this in something?
Well, here's some water. Do they live in water?
Not in... Y'all wouldn't even put a crab in your own water.
Please, don't put no crab in the water.
Where...Where's someplace where there's some water? I mean, that's not...
I'm gonna take this motherfucker to the bay or something.
Put him back in.
No, give him a chance. He gonna live.
We gonna save... We gonna save this one.
Can we put him in something, man? Please?
We gonna save him.
'Cause this motherfucker did a show. He's gonna get off.
Send him back. Here.
No, I'm gonna keep this rubber duck.
This I wanna talk about, here.
This is... This is intelligence.
What? What, motherfucker?
Well, I should've let the black man do his job or something.
Oh, now, what...
A raisin crab? A racing crab.
Oh, well, thank you sir.
I like the way you talk though.
I don't give a fuck. Y'all talk cool.
I don't give a fuck.
It's a racing crab here.
This will go on.
I will scare a bitch to death with this one.
Come out and say, you go, "Darling, are you ready?"
"Yes, Rich."
Well, I don't want no more shit now.
Thank you very much, sir.
He gave me the rubber thing, and, I don't know, this...
It's a balloon.
That's a swan balloon.
No, that's really nice, yeah.
That's real clever.
Real intelligent. Really, really. Here you go.
Come on. Come on out. Come here.
Let...let the people see you, motherfucker.
Come on, man.
Thank you.
*
Hey, Rich, how's your daughter's girlfriend?
How's my... How's my what?
Wait. Just take your time.
Don't get carried away now. This is not participation.
A lot of shit happened in your life
you don't, just don't remember.
I guess I should have learnt from people that I knew
that would get fucked up when I was little.
But I didn't... I didn't think that they were on dope or nothing.
I thought they were cool.
'Cause I had friends, like, I had a friend, Motif.
The motherfucker, he...he just sounded so cool.
Anything. He took his time to answer.
All right, you talk to him, you go, "Hi, Motif." He go,
"What's happening?"
I was young. I thought that was cool.
Me and my friends would go around and talk to him.
Say something to Motif. Go ahead. Say something. Come on.
"Hey, Motif!"
"Hey."
Motif was cool, Jack.
I didn't know he had shot his brains out.
But he liked to talk to me sometime, you know.
It was real nice, you know. I'd sit around.
Hey, Rich! Hey, man, come here.
Come here.
Jack, dig this. Look, uh, you do me a favour?
Now, don't be bullshitting now, and do something for me.
I want you to take these watches in the bag, back here.
You take these...
Just some watches, motherfucker.
Take these watches down the street for me.
No, I can't carry them 'cause police are looking for me.
No, I ain't stoled them, no.
I ain't no stealer, God damn it.
I wouldn't be giving them to you. Shit.
They're watches, man. Five for $1.
No, they good. What kind of a shit you think...
Yeah, they're good. Check this one.
This is one of the bad ones
but I got us some good ones and shit, man. It's there.
So you carry them for me? What you mean?
No, they not looking for me.
You know who they looking for, man?
Looking for my brother, Bobby.
No, 'cause the bitch up the street talking about I broke in her house.
You know, she said I broke in there and stole some of her shit.
I didn't do it 'cause I told her, you know.
I said, "Look, I want your shit,
"I just come in here and take it."
You know, I ain't got to break in.
I'm bold. You know, I walk in the door.
You know, yeah, but then Bobby do that shit, right?
Do you see Bobby? Bobby was with them three white dudes
and they popped that liquor store.
Yeah, Bobby. And you know Bobby like
to be hanging with them motherfuckers.
'Cause he crazy.
I seen him. I was with him, man.
We wandered in the liquor store. Bobby bad.
He put his pistol on the counter, stepped back.
The motherfucker bad.
He say, "I want the money.
"See that pistol, motherfucker? Beat me to that."
Oh, man. I told the man, I say,
"Don't move, mister. He got another one."
Shit.
And Bobby, he crazy, man.
He threw the other one on the counter and say,
"Beat me to either one of them."
See, that's the way his mind be popping, man.
But he be fucked up, right?
You know, see, he be going...
They gonna send him to jail.
Then they'll send me along just on GP.
I told him, I say, "Bobby, I ain't going to jail for nobody.
"You dig?" Shit.
I done told on too many people up there.
They get me back up there, Jack, I'd be pussy nine years.
Shit, yeah, I told on the motherfucker. I ain't going.
Shit. It was easy, too.
Mother say, "Wasn't that hard." Fuck it. Shit. Him or me.
Motherfucker talking about five years?
Shit, I'll just tell on any motherfucker I know.
I ain't gonna be able to get no shit for five years?
I start naming off names like a motherfucker, Jack.
Alphabetical order, too.
Shit, yeah, they like to be fucking around.
Hey, Les, where you been, motherfucker?
What took you so long?
We supposed to do business.
Yeah, but you be fucking around.
Where you been, motherfucker?
What you been up to? Where? You see Bobby?
Yeah, what the fuck is the deal, man?
No, 'cause the cops come over to my house.
Where were you guys?
No, I didn't do shit.
Don't be putting me in that shit, man.
No, 'cause they gonna get Bobby
'cause that one honky is tough, man.
I saw that motherfucker, boy.
He jumped down in the pool hall.
He whooped three or four motherfuckers.
So, I know you ain't gonna be fucking with him.
You could take the baseball bat, Jack.
Bust his motherfucking head.
You ain't got to take that shit.
Let me tie this motherfucker off.
Tie it up there. Shit.
There it is.
Shit. I had it here yesterday.
Shit. Shit.
There it is, motherfucker.
Now, partner. Oh, yeah.
In the vein, motherfucker. What you...
What, is you high?
Well, why the fuck you wait to get off
and then you gonna come and jab it on me, man?
There you go. Yeah.
Yeah, let it ride. Shit.
Yeah, shit.
Man.
Mmm.
Baby.
That's some shit there, man.
That's...
Shit.
That mother... Hey, man, this shit was...
This, uh...
Uh...
Shit.
Did you... Did you... Did...
Motherfucker.
I got the crabs. Shit.
No, I ain't got no motherfucking... What?
The critter?
Look at... Look at this motherfucker, man.
Look. Listen. Look, baby. Look.
I can't get over there.
Listen, motherfucking thing.
Look at them motherfuckers, man.
Now, that's... That's... That's life.
That's into the realm of life.
Dig? See how he was in life?
Then he fucked around and wasn't in it no more.
He fell off, man. You...you can do that.
You could... You couldn't do that.
I couldn't do that, but he could.
This is relating. You got to relate to life
to the... to the utmost.
*
Sit down, my nig!
Hey, man!
Why don't you stop jerking with me, motherfucker?
No, man, I'm over here doing my little business.
I'm cool, but I ain't fucking with you.
You... You come...
You came by here yesterday with that same old shit.
You be jaw-jacking.
Yeah, I know. I know you cool.
I know about all, you got your shit but, man, I'm Superman.
Yeah, dude.
As long as you don't hit me in the vein, motherfucker, I'm all right.
Yeah, you have to kill me two or three weeks.
Shit. Wait a minute. What the fuck you gonna do?
What you saying? Ah, man, bullshitting.
Junkie serenade or something?
That's right. I'm...
Dig this. Check the logic.
Check the logic. Check the logic.
I went downtown, right?
Now, this is me, right?
I'm gonna try to get the job.
The motherfucker tell me I can't have the job
but I can take an application.
Are you ready for that?
I say, "Well, what's the logic?"
What is the logical conclusion of the logic of it?
I just wanted to know.
I figured it was something wrong with the logic.
Yeah.
Motherfucker tell me I ain't dependable.
Say, "Maybe, I got a $200 a day habit.
"I ain't missed a payment."
Shit.
Is that dependable? Shit, what...
I say, "Hey, you know what I would like to have?
"The job as the town junkie."
Right? 'Cause I could stand around the corner.
I could get fucked up for the tourists.
They... You know? Shit, that's work.
'Cause I like to get fucked up.
And we'd both be doing each other a favour
'cause the motherfucker keep trying to rehabilitate me.
Methadone.
Shit, I got hooked on that in two weeks.
You ever fuck with that methadone, man?
That shit is weird.
Shit will send you off.
They be talking about you going to hell.
I say, "Shit, I've been there.
"I had so much fun, they kicked me out, that motherfucker."
Shit. I know I ain't going to heaven. Shit.
I'm just going.
That's right.
I'm gonna do it in my own time.
Just go.
I don't have to do nothing.
Right? Motherfucker change...
Feel sorry for me? Shit.
I did it to myself.
Yeah.
Fuck it.
If I come back, I hope you motherfuckers have this shit right.
'Cause you done fucked it up this time.
That...
You just...
You weren't sensitive, you motherfuckers.
You wasn't sensitive. You just...
Well, you just didn't like a motherfucker sensitive man.
You run over people.
You put them... You put them in a position
that they can't do nothing in it.
Then, when they can't, y'all say, "See?"
That...that wasn't right. That wasn't right.
That's the same... That ain't right.
I know it's not right.
I know it ain't right, and I tell the motherfucker about it,
they tell me, I'm crazy.
Yeah.
I know this shit is foul
with a capital foul.
I wish you the best.
All right, thank you.
Means... Tell them, Rich!
I just... Thank you very much. Thank you.
You know, I just was thinking, now that I've been off drugs,
I wanted to relate something to you.
I can remember when I was just off drugs for a little while...
Yeah, I am. You don't believe it.
I know a lot of people don't and I don't give a fuck
but I remember when I was...
Yeah, 'cause I meet people since I stopped doing drugs.
I found out there's more motherfuckers doing drugs.
I mean, doctors and shit.
Old ladies. "Give me that blue one.
"And give me another red one, please."
Right? They call it a epidemic, now.
That means white folks are doing it.
'Cause y'all used to drive through
our neighbourhoods and shit and go,
"Oh, look at that. Isn't that terrible?"
Then you get home, your 14-year-old would be fucked up.
You'd go, "Oh, my God! It's an epidemic!"
Maybe next time you see black people in trouble, you'll help.
Maybe. Right?
But I... When I stopped, I noticed something real strange, man.
I noticed, about the fourth month,
that my dick was smaller than I thought.
No, I did 'cause I'd knew I had 14, 15 inches.
And I was in the bathroom one day, taking a piss,
I say, "Hey!
"What happened to my dick?
"Hey, I've been robbed!
"Somebody stole my dick,
"left me with this little child's pee-wee!"
And women'll go, "Do men have dick hang-ups?"
Shit. You don't think they do.
Like, if you're with a guy and you plan on a first date, right?
You might give him a shot tonight.
You wait till you get home and he gets undressed
and then give him that look.
You know, that look you women have when you go...
You talking about a motherfucker
getting dressed fast, right here.
"Well, gee, it was all right when I left home."
I noticed that... I remember, when I was 20,
my dick was hard all the time.
I mean, it'd wake up at attention. I'd be...
"Rich, are we going out on patrol today?"
I mean, some mornings, it would wake me up.
You know, I'd be sleeping, hit me on the chest. "Rich!
"Rich, wake up. I gotta go to the bathroom."
You know?
And it would lead me to the bathroom. I'd be...
"Over there. Right into the dock. Yeah!"
And it'd piss hard. You remember, you'd be going...
Half an hour you're...
Go back to bed, Jack.
Now, some mornings I wake up, I wonder whose dick it is, Jack.
"Hey, speak to me!"
"Uh? What?
"What is it, Rich? We on fire again? What? What?"
And I...I'd be kind of scared about today, man,
'cause women know we're lucky they fuck us at all, man,
'cause they got them machines.
You ever seen them? And they got them numbers and shit on them.
Plug them boys in.
And you be standing there with just a dick, right?
"Uh, tell me when it's my turn, will you?
"Oh, that's all right. Thank you. Never mind.
"I'll come back tomorrow."
Women know they got the pussy, man.
They know we like it, too.
They know it. I mean, they know.
The bottom line, women know.
"I got the pussy.
"And it's good."
'Cause, there ain't no such thing as bad pussy, right?
'Cause a lot of ladies...
If the ladies here tonight think they got a bad pussy,
I'd like to see you after the show.
I'd like to give a second opinion.
Sure want some water, but I don't wanna drink none of that shit, now.
You got me scared.
Spring water? Rainwater.
Rainwater? What is this little bug in it?
Thank you very... What's your name? Luanne.
Luanne, take your ass back to your seat.
Thank you. Thank you, Luanne, very much.
You're just... That's a very kind thing to do.
I can't get this little motherfucking thing out of here.
See, I'm very, just crazy about shit.
When shit in something, I like to go, "Hey."
Thank you, Luanne, very much.
No!
Don't do it, Rich.
Thank you, Luanne. That's...
Huh?
Can I get a kiss? No, baby. You might have herpes.
I don't wanna be fucking around.
No, siree, Bob.
Now, they got that herpes and shit going around.
That makes me be very careful, Jack.
I wanna examine the pussy real good, now.
Don't you women do that?
Like, if you gonna have a one night stand, don't you be very cautious?
It's like, "Put the dick right here in my hand."
Right? Get that jeweller's glass out and, "Just a minute.
"Okay."
'Cause they got some shit out there, man,
make your dick look like a foot.
For a long time.
I'm not lying.
You look down, look like a little baby's foot hanging there.
Walking up your leg and shit.
No, you gotta be very careful, shit. That's why I...
I go to public toilets, man, I'd be watching them motherfuckers,
'cause I know some shit in there waiting on me.
Right, I'd be real careful.
Only thing about a public toilet is if somebody recognise my ass.
You know, 'cause you could go in the toilet all in your life...
You go in the toilet, take a shit, nobody say nothing.
They may make a face when you leave, right? They go...
But they see me, they start talking, "Richard Pryor!
"That was you in there shitting?
"Man, you don't never do the shit in public.
"Hey, everybody, come here. Richard Pryor is in here shitting!"
And they got them... You ever go into them urinals?
Ladies probably never seen it.
It's got them big urinals and shit.
And the men go in there, stand right up in the urinal,
like they hiding their shit or something.
They be right up in there like...
And look each other in the eye.
That's the way men definitely look each other in the eye.
'Cause you don't look down.
You look down at it, "What you looking at?"
Only trouble I have in there, people wanna meet me.
Be pissing and talking about, "Richard Pryor!
"Oh, shit, I'm sorry, girl.
"Here, shake my hand."
"Fuck you!"
Everybody be standing up like this,
be cool Jack, just looking in the eye.
Then some big-dick motherfucker come in, right?
Stand way back here.
"What's happening, fellows?
"You wanna stand to the left?
"I'm gonna shake it to the left, pal.
"You better move over."
Good night. I love you.